Sunday, October 7, 2012

Staying busy on an unproductive day...

...Well that's kind of a contradictory statement, now isn't it. But is it? Most of us work hard, and work a lot; so when it comes down to a day where you don't have to do anything you might not know what to do with yourself or your time...

I found that I was lost today. I woke up early and realized that I didn't have to do anything. Nothing. I walked out to my living room and stood there for a minute;. Looked around and then went to the kitchen. I made myself some ginger pear tea and filled my 34oz mug with water and plopped on my couch. I sat there and pondered for a few minutes what I would do today to ensure that I am not sitting on my butt being useless. Nothing came to mind that seemed to fit how I was feeling. So I opened my kindle and just started reading my latest purchase. Today was a day that I could have to myself - mostly, as my job demands a majority of my time; that I didn't have to feel the pressure of answering to anyone or being around people. Everyone deals with their emotions on different levels, and I really love the time that I have to myself. 

As an hour passed and I was still in my pajamas, I started getting this nagging feeling of guilt. I was just sitting there, reading when I could be doing something productive with my time away from work. What do I do? I pull out my lap top and start making corrections to this big project we have going at work. This absorbs about a good 4 hours of my time. Awesome. Let's spend the day working when you're supposed to be OFF work. (We have a running joke in the office: (PTO is not "Paid Time Off," it's "Pretend Time Off"). Such conflicting feelings! I feel like I should be working, but then I get angry for working when I am supposed to be enjoying the one day off that I have! Geesh! I know what can settle this argument in my head..."COFFEE BREAK!" YEAH!!! And then I realize...I gave up coffee one week ago today. Grrrr, okay so now what, I think to myself. Oh - tea! Wait, no...Lunch, lunch would be good since I skipped breakfast; shhhh, don't tell Nikkie. It's not part of the cleansing routine. You have to have eaten at least two servings of fruit by now. Oops. I stumble into the kitchen as my legs are half weakened from sitting for the last 5 hours (that is just terrible). And I make a turkey burger with some steamed zucchini and eggplant. YUM! I go back to the warm spot on my couch and enjoy my delicious lunch - I flip on the T.V. and watch the X-Files movie on Netflix. (I found that I can hook my computer up to my television and watch movies on T.V. while streaming from online)! 

Now what? I am trying to stay busy on such an unproductive day...Do I take a nap? No...that's just being really lazy; I hadn't even been up for 10 hours. So, I make another cup of tea. Sooo good! So calming, I think and so worth sitting on the couch once more - still in my pajamas. Should I go to the gym? No, every excuse in the book comes flooding to my mind. I don't hate exercising; I just don't want to be around people today. Decision made; I get up and start doing push-ups on my floor. What? Yes, random push-ups, which turn into squats and then calf raises. I'm done. I sit back down and sip my tea again. Ahhhh! I am starting to get really antsy. I should be doing more! I should be outside enjoying this beautiful day - I hear rain and then I feel a little better. I tell myself that's it's okay to be home right now. It's raining outside and you don't like to drive in the rain - it will just make you miserable and have outbursts of hatred-filled road rage. The less rational side of my subconscious wins and I stay in. Just to sit back down on the couch and shop online. I need new things for my place as I am moving in December. OH CRAP! I am moving, which means I need to pack. I don't even know where to start. There is just so much stuff!!! So much to pack. Will it all fit? Will my bed fit in the bedroom?? Will I have to purchase a new bed?! It's a house - with a basement, how am I going to lock the door to the cellar?? Do I need new curtains? I need to call my leasing department and tell them I am not re-signing. Too much to think about. Geez, this isn't working. I close the computer and just shut my eyes for a minute to bring me back to a non-panic state. I decide to just put on another movie and lay down. I put on Georgia Rule and just sink into the couch with my blanket wrapped around me, the shades all drawn, my 3rd hot tea and my pillow tucked under my right side. I feel my body start to physically relax.

I am telling you my crazy day because it's not really a crazy day. It's a non-productive day physically, but a mentally hectic day in my mind. I feel like I should have done so much more like search for answers for things I need answers to, or planted a pumpkin garden, something that would have physically told my body that, yes,  you did good today, now you can rest. Instead, my mind is still completely active because I feel like I was under accomplished today. I am sure you are asking yourself how this has anything to do with health and wellness. It has everything to do with it. When your body is stressed it releases hormones into your body that can cause internal damage. You have to find ways for your mind and your body to relax and not be in a constant state of anxiety.  Once I find them, I will blog about them each time one comes to me that truly works.

It is 12:18am and I STILL don't know what I could have done differently today. And I think that's okay. Sometimes you just have to figure it out. 


Love and Wellness to all

Patti xox

1 comment:

  1. You've given us such a vivid example of how anxiety in the body drives the thinking brain into overdrive, too. Such great questions you're asking yourself! I love seeing that you're giving yourself the chance to observe and question the validity of what has been so automatic and a "contextually wired" (and unproductive, YES, unproductive!) way of having to live. Thanks for sharing it so openly. As you find your resolutions to this dilemma it can help all of us who've become similarly wired!