My feet are in the sand on the beach in Cancun; living up the moments with my sister. The warm Caribbean sun is beating down on us and tiny beads of sweat trickle down our face. I stand up to take a dip in the pool and I notice I am wearing a bikini! But wait...my stomach is flat and I have this intense feeling of self confidence!! I climb into the pool and then as quickly as the cool water hits my face, I am awake....
Several months ago I wrote a blog about someone using not so kind words to describe what they thought I looked like. They said I was short and chunky. And I know, as I had said before, that it was not meant with ill intent, it still hurt. I find myself, once again, in the same situation at work. One of the guys at work went to the doctor and had a physical. He came in and told everyone how his cholesterol level is 785 - which is insanely high. This man is in no way fat, he is just short. So they got on the topic of how his cholesterol could be so high and he said that his doctor considers him obese. I was standing next to his desk discussing possible natural options because I work in a supplement shop, and one of the guys that ALWAYS makes fun of me states: "Well, look at Patti; she's fat! If she were six feet tall, she would be skinny; but her cholesterol is fine." Now, it's one thing if I ask - "Do you think I look fat?" And how do you know my cholesterol?? I know the truth, I look in the mirror every day. I don't need you to tell me that I am fat. The girls around him and the guy that sits next to him just turn and glare. I understand that he was just saying what he thought was truthful, but I was so incredibly embarrassed. Three times this week he had made some comment toward my weight - One of the girls asked if he thought his wife was fat; his response: "She's not skinny, but Patti is fatter." I mean, what the hell?! Why am I the target of his ridicule? I'm not pleasing to the eye? Then keep it to yourself. It's such a cliched saying; but if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
The next day it became the thing to talk about - how can someone eat healthy like me, but stay fat? I am facing my computer screens when they start talking about what I ate for breakfast and what I brought in for lunch; I slowly turn around to them and shake my head. I just couldn't believe it. There is so much work to be done and some people are more worried about the affect of the good food I am putting in my body is having on me than doing their job. I just want to scream out: WHO THE HELL CARES?! I should be the only one concerned with me, and you should be the only one concerned with you. Yes, I eat healthy. No, I am not skinny. But, please, tell me...why does the entire world need to know my insecurity about being fat?! Why do you feel it necessary to tell the people with in a six-foot radius that you think I am fat? I have a bad enough complex about myself, and you feel the need to add to it. And they sit there and laugh because to them, it's a big joke. It's not funny - it hurts.
Today I wore black slacks with a fitted sweater and black flats; normally I will wear a scarf over my sweater so it sweeps over my stomach and hips or I will wear a flowing dress or some other fabric with many layers; but I didn't today. The girl that sits next to me tells me that I should wear things like this every day because I look 10lbs lighter. Maybe it was a compliment; but it still angers me. If I wanted to discuss my weight with my co-workers then I would. But I don't! I obsess over my weight enough in my head and with my twin. I tell her every day in an email what I am eating, what I have planned to eat and what I bought at the grocery store. I write my food in a daily journal, and count calories every single day of my life. If you ask me how many calories are in a piece of chicken, I can tell you. Skin on? I can tell you that. Cooked in olive oil and served with rice? I can tell you that too. So the last thing I want to do is come into work and have to discuss with people who don't care, things that are so detrimental to my well being.
This brings me to my title that being you is good enough. I was made fun of so much when I was a child and through middle school that I don't need to endure this as an adult. I am not that far away from being 30 years old and the last thing I need is for some 30-something-year-old man to tell me almost every day that I am FAT. I strive to live a healthy lifestyle and I eat as healthy as possible. It doesn't mean that I will be a size 0. It means that I will be as healthy as I can be on the inside. You cannot listen to the negative things others may be saying to you. You are good enough. Being you is good enough. You don't have to be something that others think you should be. Keep that in mind the next time someone says anything negative to you. Exuding positivity from within will make you a happier and healthier person.
Thank you for listening to another rant of mine. I think it's important to share things such as this because I know that there are others who go through this, too. I can't be the only one who struggles every day with their self image. Who feels like the mirror is going to break in disgust whenever you step in front of it. One day it will get better. You just have to remind yourself that there is no one else in the world that can be a better you. So you have to be your best you. And your best you starts with, none other than YOU.
Health and Wellness to all