Saturday, July 4, 2015

i miss you

You always see things on the news but never believe something like this could strike your own family. The night Nikkie called me to tell me you were no longer with us became the worst night of my life. You were always a rock and one of ours growing up, and sometimes you stumbled over yourself but you always got back up. I have always looked up to you in ways I can only hope you heard when I told you that. I have always been so proud to call you my big sister, our secnarf, our singing and dancing partner and our forever friend.

One of the worst things someone can say in a time of grief is: everything happens for a reason. I can't believe that is the case for my sister Fran. Fran, I miss you so much; more than anything in this world. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of you. Whether it's a crow flying over me in the morning on my way to work or the days I decide to take exit 20 off of the highway because it is a long road that reminds me of you and it's just coincidence that each time I subconsciously take this exit, it's at the same exact time each time...even more ironically, the same time frame I received the call that you had passed.

I was talking about you today because someone asked how I was holding up. It took me by surprise once again, that they were referring to your death. Even those words are ridiculous to me and seeing them written down tears my heart out of my chest. When I actually process the fact that you are gone, I can't breathe. I can't breathe now. I can't believe I haven't received a text message or a phone call from you in two months. Two long months, Fran. Where are you? WHY?? I can hear your laugh and see your smile - I wish I had one more chance to talk to you. I want to tell you again how proud of you I am and how much you mean to me. How you saved me when I was a child, more than once. How I looked up to you and then you looked up to me and how we helped each other. How I never, ever, ever gave up faith in you that you would come out on top.

Frannie, if you can hear me....I love you. I love you with every piece of me. Every single piece. I wear you on my heart every day in hopes that you can feel me, too. Every day that passes doesn't make it easier to process, I feel like it makes me miss you more. I am not strong enough to handle this, what closure do I have?! It wasn't supposed to end this way. We were supposed to enjoy our 30's together - celebrate our successes and how far we've come with the challenges we faced. Now I feel like I am facing the biggest challenge I've ever had to endure - losing you. Losing someone who so willingly stepped in and stopped the hurt as a child and was there when I needed you as an adult. I will never forget all of the memories we made - singing at the top of our lungs in my apt to "Impossible" by Shontelle or you choreographing a dance to " No More Rhyme" and all of us performing it together. Remember we were going to be the "Shetones?"

I can't handle this. I can't handle you being gone...I don't know how to process it or how this is real. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare and just waiting to wake up. I drive now without peace because I look at every single utility pole and try to imagine what happened and how scared you must have been and it literally tears me to pieces. I want to sob uncontrollably and lay on the floor until I've cried enough to fill every ocean on this planet - and even then it wouldn't be enough tears to make this hurt go away. You can't prepare for the loss of a sibling. I can't begin to describe the pain because whatever I write can't even compare to what it is I feel inside. I'm lost. I make it through day by day and try to enjoy the things that are supposed to make you happy and it's so hard. It's hard to be outside enjoying the beautiful weather knowing that you will never have the chance to enjoy this again or with me. How fair is that?! I'm lost.

Maybe one day I will make my way through this fog I am in. It's hard, harder than I thought it could be. I love you forever. Big sis <3

Always your baby sis <3