hope dwells on the possible, even when life seems to be a plot written
by someone who wants to see how much adversity we can overcome. True
hope responds to the real world, to real life; it is an active effort.” –
Walter Anderson - I saw this quote today and it rang so deep. So many things happening all at the same time definitely try the patience and positive spirit of someone. But there is always hope - and hope comes in different ways; even if it's not what you're expecting. So there is always a reason to stay positive, right?
These days are proving to be difficult in doing so.
It was about 3:17 a.m. this morning that I finally went to sleep with so many things running through my mind. I could no longer lay in bed - it felt like hours that I was tossing and turning; when I look at the clock, it is only a little past six. So I decide to get up. I walk groggily to the coffee maker and make a cup of coffee as caffeine has become such an inevitable staple in my life again. And to be quite honest, the taste has some level of comfort for me. I sit down on the couch and light up a cigarette and sip my coffee, pondering every thought that crosses my mind. I feel like I cannot sit still, yet I don't have any desire to do anything - not even taking out the trash. I pull up the blinds and let the sun spill over me and I stare at the window with my face in my palm. My mind feels so tortured and confused.
I decided to take a nap this afternoon because I am just so tired and I found it much easier to just lay there and feel comfort in my bed because it was daylight. - I always wonder why I love owls so much, and I am beginning to think that it's because we are both nocturnal creatures. - I was so warm, it's like the sun followed me. I close my eyes and I feel like I am basking in the warm rays emitting from my bedroom window. The heat on my face keeps me calm; it feels like a blanket engulfing me, keeping me sedated and comforted. I am startled awake about twenty minutes later not realizing where I am. Now I am left feeling uneasy and shaking inside because I woke up so fast...I get up and find the spot on my couch in the corner of my living room as I had this morning and light up another cigarette. My hunger just fleeting. As bad as I know they are for me, I continue to puff on it as it keeps my hunger at bay. All the while feeling completely guilty for feeling so sorry for myself with other things that are going on right now. Knowing there are people in my life that are so close to me who are struggling with what is going on in their lives and here I am destroying my health because I am feeling sorry for myself. I have wasted an entire weekend, when some people would give anything to have one more day.
I need my Nana in my life right now to make me some tea and tell me that everything that is going badly in my life will all sort itself out - between my internal struggles and the struggles of those so dear to me. Especially my significant other. All I want to be able to do is take their pain and their hurt and turn it into my own because as sorry as I feel for myself, I know I can manage. The quote that I found this morning really nails it - Some words of encouragement that will ring true for them and maybe myself.
So why name my blog Patti Soup for the soul? Because writing is soup for my soul. It helps me release what I cannot verbalize. I wish there really was a soup with all the ingredients you could mix together that would make all the bad feelings disappear instantaneously. As the quote said, it is an active effort - it's an active effort to keep strong and positive in the face of adversity. It's an active effort to remain positive when you see those who are such angels fall at the hand of a disease that you cannot control. It's an active effort trying to handle your internal demons when you keep getting knocked off of the horse that you've just mounted again and again. It's a collective effort, internally and externally.
now 1:11 a.m. and I've going on about three and a half hours of sleep -
and although I am exhausted, I cannot find the comfort to fall asleep. I
have hunger pangs that are nauseating, but I won't eat, 1. because it is one in the morning and 2. because it's part of a coping mechanism I fall into when I feel overwhelmed with stress. I smoke, don't eat or I binge eat and drink. It's a great combination, don't you think? It's obviously not the smart option, but I can't seem to control any other aspect of my life. The worst part is that I am enabling my partners behavior in doing the same thing. It's a somewhat toxic environment for us both. I get upset with him for his behavior, but I am doing the same thing. It's like once you start, it's so hard to stop. So different from one year ago when my sister and I started this blog. Things happen. Just have to keep believing that "true hope responds to the real world."
Next blog will be more positive. Thanks for reading.