Sunday, November 24, 2013

meu tio precioso ... descanse em paz doce

This blog is dedicated to my sweet Uncle Eddie. I love you more than words will ever be able to express. 
It's hard to believe you are no longer physically on this earth; though your spirit and love will remain close to me. I didn't get the chance to tell you how much you have meant to me and I am not sure you even knew. So much regret I have in taking for granted that I thought you would always be around. You were such a constant in my childhood - knowing that whenever we got the chance to be around you, you made life worth while. You ALWAYS had something to laugh about and make us laugh. Who knew Streets of Fire would be a movie that Nikkie and I would torcher you with watching over and over again the nights we stayed with you? You bought Nikkie and I our first CD, ever! You bought me Celine Dion and Nikkie Savage Garden - and they are still our favorites... You were so enthusiastic and such a free spirit; so many people learned how to just love life from you. More than you will ever know. 
I will miss your intense love for life and riding. I will never, ever forget the long bike ride we took on your Harley, on rt67 from nana's house. All the way from North Brookfield through Ware and Warren...we have never felt so free. We listened to the oldies, stopped for coffee and then rode home. I am so sad. so so sad Uncle, that you were called home this soon. I can't describe the pain in my heart, but it physically hurts knowing you are gone. I will never forget your laugh. Your laugh was so contagious and whenever I imagine you, it's of you laughing and it puts a smile on my face.
I dedicate the below song to you. "Call the Man" from Celine Dion.I love you.  


Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man

Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He is needed here


meu tio precioso ... descanse em paz doce

-Twinspiration

Love and Wellness to all

Patti xox

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

That did NOT hit the spot

Hello again! Two blogs...two nights...what is this world coming to?! I don't have much to do aside from working and writing. One of these things I am extraordinarily passionate about and the other? We won't discuss that ;)

Tonight, I want to write about my dissatisfaction with room service. Woahhhh, wait a minute...that sounds utterly ridiculous so let me re-phrase. I am disappointed in myself for trusting what I was told regarding what I ordered. And this is where you need to trust your instincts.

I picked up the phone and called for room service and almost immediately I regretted the decision. As soon as I worked up the courage to hang up, as they can see who is calling, someone picked up. I ordered fish tacos with a side house salad, no dressing. Easy, right? Wrong. I asked if the tacos were on corn or flour tortillas and if the fish was battered or grilled. And was told that the fish was grilled with onions, cilantro (YUM) and sprouts and that the tortillas were corn. Yippee!!! I am on the phone with my boyfriend until I hear a knock at the door. I look through the peep hole on my tip toes and see that it is room service. I open the door, sign the receipt and take the food to my desk. I take the cover off of the plate and just stare at it. This is not what I ordered. First of all, the fish was fried and battered...yuck. Secondly, they were on flour tortillas and wait for it - it came with french fries! I mean, you would have thought I was speaking a different language when I ordered, or it was my inner 500lb fat kid ordering and I was unconscious when this all went down. She should have sent up the double chocolate lava layer cake with it. (I think I just gained 10lbs just thinking about it). Okay, I understand that I shouldn't be so angry, but $18.58 later and there isn't a thing on this plate that I can eat or want to eat, it is a complete waste because even if I had called back down to have it re-done, they would have still thrown this entire plate away. :( So I will eat a granola bar and drink some water and the yummy coffee that I got from Starbucks on my way back to the hotel. If it wasn't for taking the wrong turn this morning trying to find the office, I wouldn't have my yummy, warm coffee next to me. That did not hit the spot.

Keeping it short tonight, but wanted to share with you another adventure in this experience.

-Twinspiration

Love and Wellness to All

Patti xox

Monday, October 28, 2013

Getting "Comfortable"

Here I am again...sitting in another hotel room craving the familiar place called my home. I close my eyes and as I type, I inhale deeply and let the scent of past tense fill my nose and infiltrate my entire being. I can feel myself physically let down...

It's difficult going away for vacation - although vacations are typically relaxing, unless you are some kind of thrill seeking adventurous human and not really into the turquoise water and palm trees thing (HA! You're not fooling me); you aren't near your familiar surroundings, but the greatest thing about vacation? You get to go back home at the end of it and at least spend another year or two planning the next one. So what do you do if you're traveling for business and you won't return home long enough to go even go grocery shopping before turning around and getting back on a plane? You plan. A very intelligent woman reminded me that there is always a way to make sure you're making yourself a priority and taking it seriously, you're health and well being. (Thank you from the bottom of my heart). 

As mentioned in my previous blog, my company is going through what I would call a merger. That may be a 1990's term, but it's best described that way as it's not technically an acquisition since it was a different company that purchased us and the company's platform that we are integrating into, is considered our "sister" company. I will be traveling back and forth from Hartford to Baltimore for the next three months just about every week and staying through some of the Holidays. In order to make sure that I am serving myself the best way possible within the means that I am given, planning is essential. What do I mean, I am sure you are asking. I am talking about what I plan on eating and drinking and what I can to do make it possible for me to "sleep" while I am away. Being able to "let down" both physically and mentally when you are living out of a hotel room is SO essential and having the resources to do so will make it a little more possible. 

So before leaving for Baltimore this morning, I wrote out a plan for myself on Sunday afternoon when I got home from Nikkie's house. Here is the literal list I made:

  • Search for local grocery stores or stores that are familiar to me within a safe distance
  • Go to WF and pick up some non-perishables that you can eat as snacks and substitute as needed
  • Pack Teddy
  • Bring Past Tense (THANK YOU, SHERRY)!
  • Pack light this time, only what is needed
  • Pack only flats so you don't get the urge to wear heels and then regret it
  • Bring Zyflammend
There were a few more things on the list, but you can pretty much gauge what I am expressing here. Writing it down and having the information in front you helps to ensure that you're not forgetting anything. After I finished packing - and writing down what to pack truly helps, I sat down on my bed and typed in "Whole Foods near Linthicum, MD." And low and behold....there is one about 20 minutes away from my hotel!! A Trader Joe's that is even closer. It truly puts me at ease knowing that they aren't too far away. And as soon as I can work up the courage to travel the roads of MD alone, then I will go. The great thing about technology, there is a GPS on both of my phones, so it's really mustering up the confidence to go. Once I get sick of eating the granola bars and gluten free pre-packaged cereal, I will go :) And I will need to for the times when I am down here for the whole week. How can one eat out everyday, twice a day?! I just cannot trust the restaurants around me enough for that. 

As far as packing goes...I like to have options. I am such an indecisive dresser and need options. Options, options, options. But having options and making traveling less stressful truly do not go hand in hand. I learned this today. Unfortunately flying Southwest you aren't given the option - there is that word again - for seating. You are boarded by your class. I was fortunate enough to receive C-class. (that sentence is dripping with sarcasm). Which means that I was in the last boarding group. By the time it was my turn to board the plane, there wasn't any room for my carry-on. So they had to check it. Initially I was very unhappy about this because I don't bring a bag that I need to check, as I try to keep my travel as light as possible and not have to deal with picking up my baggage. So, I take my ticket that has my new baggage claim number on it and step into the plane....with LESS STRESS. Who knew? See for those who do not know, I am almost 5 feet, taking a carry on bag in addition to my stuffed-to-the-gills lap top bag makes it extremely difficult for someone of my height to comfortably stow my carry on in the overhead compartment without severely invading the personal bubble of the innocent bystander and almost rendering them unconscious when it slips from my hand. Oye! Not having that stress of finding a space for my bag to fit with the worry of pulling a rocky on another passenger and then finding a seat really lifted some unnecessary stress that I put on myself. 

I will plan meticulously for the next trip down here...possibly bringing a bag that is intended to be checked and making the effort to drive out to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's so I can nourish my body the way it needs. Right now I am going to take some Zyflammend, drink some water and snuggle in bed with Mr. Teddy. (he remains nameless, so I call him Teddy...it fits). 


-Twinspiration

Love and Wellness to All

Patti xox

Monday, October 21, 2013

Eleventh Hour...

...the phone rings... "FM, this is Patti." "Hey Patti, it's Karen. We need you to go to Baltimore soon." - That conversation (which was much longer than that, but I'll spare you the details), was Friday. It's the following Monday and here I am sitting in my hotel room in Linthicum, MD. My travel companion sitting on the bed with the cookie :) He can keep the 310 calorie cookie...

Talk about last minute travel - it doesn't give you much time to plan, what to pack, what to eat, where to go when I get there! It's a good thing I am secretly superwoman, otherwise I would feel completely defeated right about now. Multiple things couldn't have all happened at once to make me so thrilled to be away from home at this moment. For instance, the pharmacy not filling my prescription in time, so I am sitting in the chair in my hotel room with cramps so painful it makes it difficult to breathe - and did I mention I look wicked fat?! I am so bloated you would think I was pregnant. To those curious minds out there: NEGATIVE. Oh, also zero transportation unless I want to take a taxi, and I am all alone. Cool. I want coffee. Okay, okay...there are worse things in life to be upset about. I am happy that my company thinks highly enough of me to send me here. We were recently purchased by another company who's technology platform is much more simple than the one that we are currently using. (Boring, yes). So I am here to learn what they do, how they do it, why their process runs smoother and more efficient than the platform that we use. Go me.

My instructions were clear, take a taxi to the office and Mike will drive you to your hotel at the end of the day.  Awesome.  So the first thing I do when we land, aside from texting my twinnie, Pickle Juice; I call Mike. I've never met Mike, and I don't even know what he looks like. Looks aren't everything, but to me they can be extremely intimidating. I tell him I have landed and I will be on my way to the office shortly...change of plans. He offers to pick me up from the airport and then we can go to lunch to talk about what the next few days will be like and what is expected. No pressure there! I am standing on the sidewalk outside of the airport waiting for the grey 4-door sedan to pick me up. I am not sure what is worse, trusting your being in the backseat of a taxi cab or trusting your being with a man you've never met before. Trust me, the anticipation sucks either way. The Grey Lexus pulls up to where I am standing...two gentlemen are sitting in the front of the car. TWO? Who is this other guy?? The man in the passenger seat opens the door and introduces himself. And then Mike gets out of the drivers side and introduces himself to me. He knew what I looked like because he looked me up on Linkedin. Technology these days....it's a bit creepy to say the least. He takes my carry-on and places it in the trunk, glad I wasn't going in there, too. But unfortunately the thought crosses my mind. Who thinks like that!? I sit in the back seat and we are now lunch bound. Small talk ensues inside the car. He pulls into Chili's and the three of us head in for lunch. (P.S. Chili's is not very picky-eater friendly).  We talk business but all I can think about is how in the world did I get here?! On one hand I am feeling so incredibly insecure in so many ways, but on the other hand, these two men consider me to be the brains of my client and truly counting on me to bring new ideas to the table tomorrow on how to implement our current system to their system with such a demanding client. Ahhhhhhh. All I have are questions, not ideas. Mike drives me back to the hotel and leaves me with my mind writhing.

This business trip is so unlike the others I have been on, or so it seems to me. I just feel much more inadequate and inferior to the people around me. They are all older than me, and how am I coming here to teach them about what we do? How can they look at me and think I have enough experience to tell them what they need to know in order to make this implementation successful?? In their eyes, I am only 28. It's too much to think about. And it's making my cramps worse. hahaha! There isn't anything around me to help soothe my stressed and painful body.

I am sitting in front of the heater because I am so cold, and my nose, feet and hands are as cold as a reindeer's in the middle of winter in the north pole. My eye lids are so heavy but I know the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I have to get up and present the non-existent ideas in my head to my boss, my boss's boss, my boss's boss's boss - no exaggeration there, and the two men that picked me up from the airport this afternoon. No big deal.

Sweet dreams fellow bloggers and readers. Wish me luck! All of this happened so quickly...so last minute....so in the eleventh hour!

-Twinspiration

Health and Wellness to All

Patti xox


Monday, July 15, 2013

WoRk after VaCaTiOn

 "Work hard, play harder..." One of the worst cliches that I hear, merely because, to me,  it's untrue. Most of the time, you play hard and then when you come back to work; you have to work SO much harder to try and catch up - mentally and physically!

 My sister, her husband and myself just recently went on vacation to the beautiful, sunny state of Florida. What an amazing, relaxing, much needed break away from everything these past ten months. Laying on the soft sand, under the rays of the sun and hearing the waves crash over one another is one of the most tranquil feelings I have ever felt.It's almost dream-like. Not until you're driving in your old rickety car back to CT, in the rain after spending six straight days with your twin sister, that you realize you're heading straight back to reality. A reality that comes with stress, and work, and responsibility, and really thinking about how to care for yourself. 
 During our time away, we threw caution to the wind when it came to eating and drinking and such. While making a slight attempt to at least eat breakfast in the morning, (which we did, thanks to Dave getting up in the morning and cooking), we filled our bellies with alcohol and not-so-good-for-you eats. When we weren't eating, we were drinking and smoking and really feeling like Anthony Bourdain on No Reservations; except we were paying for everything. At the time, you don't think of the repercussions to come from this behavior. But why would you when everything we were doing made us feel amazing? Laying in the sun; not thinking of the responsibilities that await for you back home and at work. Drinking, numbing any bad feelings away, and of course, the classic smoke with a cold Yuengling. Sounds relaxing, and it is at the time. But coming back to that reality is a tough wake up call, as I so found this morning.
 My alarm went off at 4:00am, and Tom-cat was laying on my pillow to the right of me; a familiar experience since Tommy became part of my world. I stare at the ceiling listening to my alarm and literally drag myself out of bed. I shut off the alarm and stand at the foot of my bed in the dim light from the the window contemplating laying back down for just a minute. I decide against it as I know I will not want to get back up if I do. I take a shower, and then get my food ready and my work clothes packed in my gym bag. All of this happens within forty-five minutes, but it feels like two hours have gone by. Routine? What routine?? Three days ago I was sleeping! I was sleeping and then getting up making coffee for my twin sister and her husband and we were taking our time getting ready to hit the sunny streets...I get to the gym and meet my gym partner; both of us taking slow strides into the building of Miami bodies; knowing that what is lurking behind those glass doors are the bodies we can only dream of having. Another hard reality of being back in CT. You look at yourself the same way you did before you had the glow of FL on your skin. At least I have a healthy breakfast and lunch to look forward to. Lots of vegetables and fruit and fish. Renewing food to fuel a very deprived body. With the food we were eating, I was beginning to become extremely lethargic. I drive to work, and as if this morning wasn't already a bucket of ice water over my head, I hit traffic. Not traffic that was bringing me to the Sunny Isles side of the A1A, but traffic that was bringing me back to work.
 I walk up the eight flights of stairs to the 4th floor and through the door that I was so incredibly happy to avoid for the past week. As I am walking, I hear the chatter of the agents taking the calls, the tapping of the keyboards and I can smell the faint aroma of coffee that is all so familiar to me. A wave of nausea overcomes me while I am nearing the back of the office where my desk is. I know this is from the anxiety that I have from what I can only expect to be a horrible day of catching up. Sure enough, I dock my lap top and open my email....no exaggeration when I say I had (I should say STILL have) over two thousand emails to go through. Over forty invoices to review, voice mails to listen to and respond, not to mention all the new emails I will receive today and questions among the agents.I sit for a minute - or five and ponder how in the world I am supposed to get through this. One email at a time. Leaving work at 730 tonight is definitely not how I wanted my first day back at work to end; however, I would be lying if I said I thought it would be any different. I definitely played hard and and am working a LOT harder catching up!!
 Now I am sitting on my couch, my cat running wild - literally, writing this blog. My eyes feel so heavy; a heaviness that when I look up from the computer, the room spins. Blogging seemed like a good idea to get the first day's stress from being back from vacation out. Eleven at night seems like a good time to end this and say sweet dreams fellow blog readers. 

 Moral of this blog - You shouldn't have to work harder just to play a little hard. There is a balance somewhere in there. I've yet to find it...when you do, please share :-)
   

-Twinspiration

Love and wellness to all

Patti xox

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Untitled....

Untitled; perfect name for the weekend that I am having. Mixed emotions on just relaxing and the incessant nagging feeling of needing to be out doing something instead of sitting on my lazy rear watching movies and reading all day. Physical exhaustion seems to win me over so far. 

Started Friday morning, I got up early and went to the gym, which has been my routine now for the last two weeks - most mornings I am up and out by 430 or 445, depending on my cat and whether or not he is snuggled up next to me...meow. I give myself plenty of time to get to the gym, get in a decent work out, shower and get ready for work. Friday I didn't have to go to work, but I still decided to go to the gym at the crack a** of early instead of lying in bed trying to force myself back to sleep. On my way home from my morning plans, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for some coffee for the boyfriend and myself. It was raining and cloudy as it has been for the past few days. My plans of having a beautiful beach day for my PTO were completely ruined by Mother Nature - thanks for that; so I figured, why not fill the void of the hot sun on my body with the hot sensation of the other thing in life that I still feel pleasure for.....a hot cup of java. Yum! Plans for the rest of the day? To relax and watch movies, read, or whatever I could think of to be relaxing - Sleep is not one of those relaxing things that generally crosses my mind, as it's not usually relaxing. The thought of having to sleep or trying to force myself to sleep is anxiety ridden for many reasons that I will not disclose here :-) It was discussed earlier in the day that this was a possible option, but not to the extent I am about to describble. Yes, I said describble - not painting a clear picture for you below, more of a Picaso painting...all over the place and no real point to it.

So I get home and bring Eric his coffee and donuts in bed...spoiled man he is. Kidding! (although I do give in to his sweet tooth - have to keep him happy!) I go back out to the living room and park myself on the couch with my coffee and settle in with two comfy blankets and throw pillows. I turn the television on and put on a movie. It's about 1230 in the afternoon and the next thing I know, it's 130. I slept for an hour! I shrug it off and the next thing I know, it's 213. Once again, I make an excuse that I am just so tired from going to the gym. Again, I open my eyes and it's a little past 4. My thoughts: "UGH! WHY!!! You stupid. lazy person! GET UP!" This cycle continued until 6pm. I decided to sit up because this was the only way that I was going to stay awake. I stumble to the coffee maker and made some more coffee...no more excuses to sleep the day away! Eric gets up with me...he slept too. We decide to go to his house for dinner, on the way there, I fall asleep again. We eat dinner and then I go lay on the couch and once again, I find myself being woken up because we are going back to my place. I fall asleep on my way home, and I am so angry at this point. Not because I have slept on and off all day and wasted time, but because someone woke me up. And I mean like a leave-me-the-"eff"-alone-or-we-will-have-a-problem-on-our-hands, angry. We walk in not saying a word and I feed Tommy (cat, meow) and grab some water. Now? I can't fall asleep. Now? I want to go to bed. DOUBLE UGH! My eyes feel like each of them has a 5lb lead weight hanging on the lid. Buuuuuttt, like the crazy soup man from Seinfeld, my brain tells me: "No sleep for you!" 

It was around three in the morning and my silly man is on the couch snoring - which he doesn't often do, or if he does, I nudge him and he stops. (THANK GOODNESS!) So I wake him to go to bed. I lie awake for about an hour and finally drift off to sleep. I wake around 630 this morning and am just so sleepy! Why?? I slept almost the whole day away. I lay in bed until about 7 and decide to get up. I shower, make some more coffee and the day is history dealing with the insanity of work, battling more exhaustion...not even knowing how that is possible after the extremely productive day I had yesterday. :-D

So eager to see what tomorrow brings. Untitled, very fitting.


-Twinspiration

Health and Wellness to all

Patti xox

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Hitting the Pavement

It's 5:45 a.m. on Saturday morning. The sun is hiding behind the grey clouds and I can hear the whistle of the wind outside the window while I am preparing myself for the run I am about to make. As I am brushing my teeth, my mind is racing..."today you are showing yourself in front of thousands of people." "You're not ready for this!" "Are you crazy?!" I try to silence these thoughts. I get dressed, lace up my sneakers and head out to my car. The cold is piercing this morning. I am surprised I didn't psyche myself out on my 30 minute drive. I don't even recall much of the drive there. I pull into the parking lot and meet up with the rest of the team that I am running with. I cannot get over how cold it is outside. My hands have already lost feeling! We carpool over to the Metro Center and go stand in line to get our bibs. We jog back to the car and then back to the Metro Center as a warm up. I am dreading this. We then take the 15 minute walk to where the race is actually beginning. We listen to the National anthem and then it starts.

My heart was racing and I could literally feel each beat; each pulse in my throat. It's snowing outside, and the wind is gusting the frigid air right through my lungs. Pain sears through my shins with each repeated strike to the ground; but I continue to move. I weave in and out of the other runners and it feels like we are all moving in slow motion. I feel like I am looking through a vignette. I cannot hear the people around me, I am so focused that everything around me seems muted. I am coming down the last stretch of the race and people are now watching - I can't stop. I run harder, I can't let all of the onlookers see me fail. I need to make it to the finish line. My heart is pounding and I feel like I'm ready to vomit. I haven't stopped, although I feel like my legs are going to give out on me. I plead with myself not to fall, or stop. Just. Keep. Moving. I cross under the arch and I know I am finished. The relief of finishing the race is indescribable.


------------------------------

I don't like to run. In fact, I hate it. I know a few people who share this feeling of running. But the feeling I get after I have ran keeps me doing it. It's what keeps me doing things that I don't like to do, but think that it's good for me to do it. That feeling I am talking about is knowing that I have the control and discipline to keep going even if I may hate what I am doing. This was the case for me yesterday. I ran a 5K. That doesn't sound so complicated or something that requires such strict discipline, but it was for me. I run, but I run alone and I run where people cannot see me, so if I fail at it, I don't risk humiliation. So signing up for the 5k was a way for me to push myself further; gain more control over myself and instill more discipline. It's a great feeling for me.

Today I am sore to the point that I can barely walk. Which usually happens when I run. Every step that I take causes a chain reaction of pain that ripples through my legs, hips and back. with every stride, it reminds me of the work I did - and not to mess it up. It's like the feeling you get from not eating all day; the grumbling in your stomach or the lightness your whole body feels. You don't want to go and spoil it by eating a burger because it will destroy all of the control you have had over yourself all day.

I have signed up for two more races - a lot more training involved so I can make sure that I am not to humiliate myself with running a 46 minute 5k, or seeing my fat jiggle while running down the road. I want to blend in with the rest of the runners, and not feel so segregated. or judged. I hated passing people yesterday because the thought of them staring at me from behind was enough to bring tears to my eyes. All I could think about, aside from the pain, was the thought of their non-verbal criticism. "How can this fat girl run?" "She's just kidding herself!"

I am relaxing on my couch as I type this knowing that when I am done, I am going to be in pain, but drag myself to the gym. Dedication. Discipline. Control.


Twinspiration

Health and Wellness to all

Patti xox

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Patti Soup for the Soul

“True hope dwells on the possible, even when life seems to be a plot written by someone who wants to see how much adversity we can overcome. True hope responds to the real world, to real life; it is an active effort.” – Walter Anderson - I saw this quote today and it rang so deep. So many things happening all at the same time definitely try the patience and positive spirit of someone. But there is always hope - and hope comes in different ways; even if it's not what you're expecting. So there is always a reason to stay positive, right?
These days are proving to be difficult in doing so.
It was about 3:17 a.m. this morning that I finally went to sleep with so many things running through my mind. I  could no longer lay in bed - it felt like hours that I was tossing and turning; when I look at the clock, it is only a little past six. So I decide to get up. I walk groggily to the coffee maker and make a cup of coffee as caffeine has become such an inevitable staple in my life again. And to be quite honest, the taste has some level of comfort for me. I sit down on the couch and light up a cigarette and sip my coffee, pondering every thought that crosses my mind. I feel like I cannot sit still, yet I don't have any desire to do anything - not even taking out the trash. I pull up the blinds and let the sun spill over me and I stare at the window with my face in my palm. My mind feels so tortured and confused. 
I decided to take a nap this afternoon because I am just so tired and I found it much easier to just lay there and feel comfort in my bed because it was daylight. - I always wonder why I love owls so much, and I am beginning to think that it's because we are both nocturnal creatures. - I was so warm, it's like the sun followed me. I close my eyes and I feel like I am basking in the warm rays emitting from my bedroom window. The heat on my face keeps me calm; it feels like a blanket engulfing me, keeping me sedated and comforted. I am startled awake about twenty minutes later not realizing where I am. Now I am left feeling uneasy and shaking inside because I woke up so fast...I get up and find the spot on my couch in the corner of my living room as I had this morning and light up another cigarette. My hunger just fleeting. As bad as I know they are for me, I continue to puff on it as it keeps my hunger at bay. All the while feeling completely guilty for feeling so sorry for myself with other things that are going on right now. Knowing there are people in my life that are so close to me who are struggling with what is going on in their lives and here I am destroying my health because I am feeling sorry for myself. I have wasted an entire weekend, when some people would give anything to have one more day.
I need my Nana in my life right now to make me some tea and tell me that everything that is going badly in my life will all sort itself out - between my internal struggles and the struggles of those so dear to me. Especially my significant other. All I want to be able to do is take their pain and their hurt and turn it into my own because as sorry as I feel for myself, I know I can manage. The quote that I found this morning really nails it - Some words of encouragement that will ring true for them and maybe myself.
So why name my blog Patti Soup for the soul? Because writing is soup for my soul. It helps me release what I cannot verbalize. I wish there really was a soup with all the ingredients you could mix together that would make all the bad feelings disappear instantaneously. As the quote said, it is an active effort - it's an active effort to keep strong and positive in the face of adversity. It's an active effort to remain positive when you see those who are such angels fall at the hand of a disease that you cannot control. It's an active effort trying to handle your internal demons when you keep getting knocked off of the horse that you've just mounted again and again. It's a collective effort, internally and externally. 
It's now 1:11 a.m. and I've going on about three and a half hours of sleep - and although I am exhausted, I cannot find the comfort to fall asleep. I have hunger pangs that are nauseating, but I won't eat, 1. because it is one in the morning and 2. because it's part of a coping mechanism I fall into when I feel overwhelmed with stress. I smoke, don't eat or I binge eat and drink. It's a great combination, don't you think? It's obviously not the smart option, but I can't seem to control any other aspect of my life. The worst part is that I am enabling my partners behavior in doing the same thing. It's a somewhat toxic environment for us both. I get upset with him for his behavior, but I am doing the same thing. It's like once you start, it's so hard to stop. So different from one year ago when my sister and I started this blog. Things happen. Just have to keep believing that "true hope responds to the real world."
Next blog will be more positive. Thanks for reading.

Twinspiration
 Health and Wellness to all,
 Patti xox