Saturday, July 4, 2015

i miss you

You always see things on the news but never believe something like this could strike your own family. The night Nikkie called me to tell me you were no longer with us became the worst night of my life. You were always a rock and one of ours growing up, and sometimes you stumbled over yourself but you always got back up. I have always looked up to you in ways I can only hope you heard when I told you that. I have always been so proud to call you my big sister, our secnarf, our singing and dancing partner and our forever friend.

One of the worst things someone can say in a time of grief is: everything happens for a reason. I can't believe that is the case for my sister Fran. Fran, I miss you so much; more than anything in this world. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of you. Whether it's a crow flying over me in the morning on my way to work or the days I decide to take exit 20 off of the highway because it is a long road that reminds me of you and it's just coincidence that each time I subconsciously take this exit, it's at the same exact time each time...even more ironically, the same time frame I received the call that you had passed.

I was talking about you today because someone asked how I was holding up. It took me by surprise once again, that they were referring to your death. Even those words are ridiculous to me and seeing them written down tears my heart out of my chest. When I actually process the fact that you are gone, I can't breathe. I can't breathe now. I can't believe I haven't received a text message or a phone call from you in two months. Two long months, Fran. Where are you? WHY?? I can hear your laugh and see your smile - I wish I had one more chance to talk to you. I want to tell you again how proud of you I am and how much you mean to me. How you saved me when I was a child, more than once. How I looked up to you and then you looked up to me and how we helped each other. How I never, ever, ever gave up faith in you that you would come out on top.

Frannie, if you can hear me....I love you. I love you with every piece of me. Every single piece. I wear you on my heart every day in hopes that you can feel me, too. Every day that passes doesn't make it easier to process, I feel like it makes me miss you more. I am not strong enough to handle this, what closure do I have?! It wasn't supposed to end this way. We were supposed to enjoy our 30's together - celebrate our successes and how far we've come with the challenges we faced. Now I feel like I am facing the biggest challenge I've ever had to endure - losing you. Losing someone who so willingly stepped in and stopped the hurt as a child and was there when I needed you as an adult. I will never forget all of the memories we made - singing at the top of our lungs in my apt to "Impossible" by Shontelle or you choreographing a dance to " No More Rhyme" and all of us performing it together. Remember we were going to be the "Shetones?"

I can't handle this. I can't handle you being gone...I don't know how to process it or how this is real. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare and just waiting to wake up. I drive now without peace because I look at every single utility pole and try to imagine what happened and how scared you must have been and it literally tears me to pieces. I want to sob uncontrollably and lay on the floor until I've cried enough to fill every ocean on this planet - and even then it wouldn't be enough tears to make this hurt go away. You can't prepare for the loss of a sibling. I can't begin to describe the pain because whatever I write can't even compare to what it is I feel inside. I'm lost. I make it through day by day and try to enjoy the things that are supposed to make you happy and it's so hard. It's hard to be outside enjoying the beautiful weather knowing that you will never have the chance to enjoy this again or with me. How fair is that?! I'm lost.

Maybe one day I will make my way through this fog I am in. It's hard, harder than I thought it could be. I love you forever. Big sis <3

Always your baby sis <3


Sunday, January 11, 2015


 What is balance? A noun, a verb? The definition that fits most for the use in my life is: to offset or compare the value of (one thing) with another. I haven't ever been able to balance things in my life in the noun sense of the definition; an even distribution. I've always struggled with balancing work, school, social life and my personal life. While I can juggle it all, my time is not equally shared with each nor is it equivalently disbursed among the sublets of those four.  

Just recently I began my journey back to school. I am one week in and finding a good balance between going to the gym, leaving work at a reasonable time, doing my school work, being logged into our blackboard, eating, spending time with family, friends and my boyfriend is next to impossible. 

I don't believe in making New Year resolutions, and the saying: New Year, New You drives me crazy. You should never try to be a "new" person because you are always going to be you. And you would be lying to yourself trying to live life as something you're not. So I didn't make any resolutions, instead made a promise to myself that I am going to work on being a better me. In admitting my flaws, weaknesses and working to make them my strengths. While all of these things are struggles to balance, one of my most challenging weakness is my obsession over food.

My sister and I started this blog in 2012 with hopes of keeping ourselves on track with food and exercise and while it has served as a place of recipes, expression and randomness, it has far from kept me on track. Countless times I have said; this is it, I am really going to do it this time. I am going to be skinny, I am going to lose weight, I am going to end this insanity of obsessing over what I am eating, I am going to stop eating crap that I know isn't good for me, I am going to stop binge eating, I am going to stop beating myself up for eating something that I shouldn't have, I am going to say no to bad food...yet every time I find myself back to where I am right now. 

Four weeks ago I thought I was doing well. I was losing weight, I was feeling a little better because the scale was going in the direction I wanted it to go. Every night when I stepped on that scale, I was at least a pound lighter. I was drinking a lot of water, eating half the amount of calories I would normally consume and fight off the hunger pangs that plagued me. I have four packs of gum in my drawer at work because I will pop a piece of gum when I get hungry and get up from my desk to distract me away from my hunger. I was keeping track on my calorie counter app and made sure I was eating less than 600 calories. I was at the gym every day burning no less than 400 calories to allow my whole consumption for the day be 200 calories. I was getting horrible anxiety when I was running and getting tired at 2 miles, so I pushed on to the point of being so sore that my muscles felt like they were pinching and I could barely lay down and sleep. I lost a little over 10 lbs in less than two weeks and then of course, I quickly fell off of my schedule because a weekend came that I was with my sister and was ashamed to eat like that in front of her and didn't want to lie to her. So instead of measuring out 2oz of tuna for lunch or 1/4 cup of plain oatmeal for breakfast, I ate whatever I wanted and could get my hands on. Convincing myself that it was okay to eat a donut and then drink a coffee with sugar in it, eat taco bell and then eat Mexican all at the same time. I felt like shit. There isn't any other word to describe it. I ate this way for two days and by Monday I was right back on my strict eating. It's such a tug of war. It's not that I don't know what is good for me, it's that I don't know how to balance it. Of course I gained the 10lbs back immediately and when I said I am back in the same place I was before 4 weeks ago, I mean I am struggling with knowing what is good for me and what I am going to do. 

Nikkie and I are both starting a 24 day challenge and have committed ourselves to eat healthy in the right way; not binge or limit and prove to ourselves that there is a way of living without torment over what we eat. I stepped on the scale tonight and I cried on the floor in the bathroom. There is so much going on in my life at the moment that I knew I couldn't sit there and cry and that I need to do something about it. I am going to work on my image inside and out. I start tomorrow and will hopefully be able to post more blogs with the positive progress we are making. I will document it every day on Instagram so you can follow along if you'd like: It will be #24DayChallenge.

I am posting tonight as I know there are others that are out there that go through the same mental affliction and should they happen to come across my blog, I hope that this helps them to understand they are not as alone as it feels. 

Here's to looking better physically and feeling good mentally.

Love and Wellness to all!


Patti xox