i miss you

You always see things on the news but never believe something like this could strike your own family. The night Nikkie called me to tell me you were no longer with us became the worst night of my life. You were always a rock and one of ours growing up, and sometimes you stumbled over yourself but you always got back up. I have always looked up to you in ways I can only hope you heard when I told you that. I have always been so proud to call you my big sister, our secnarf, our singing and dancing partner and our forever friend.

One of the worst things someone can say in a time of grief is: everything happens for a reason. I can't believe that is the case for my sister Fran. Fran, I miss you so much; more than anything in this world. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of you. Whether it's a crow flying over me in the morning on my way to work or the days I decide to take exit 20 off of the highway because it is a long road that reminds me of you and it's just coincidence that each time I subconsciously take this exit, it's at the same exact time each time...even more ironically, the same time frame I received the call that you had passed.

I was talking about you today because someone asked how I was holding up. It took me by surprise once again, that they were referring to your death. Even those words are ridiculous to me and seeing them written down tears my heart out of my chest. When I actually process the fact that you are gone, I can't breathe. I can't breathe now. I can't believe I haven't received a text message or a phone call from you in two months. Two long months, Fran. Where are you? WHY?? I can hear your laugh and see your smile - I wish I had one more chance to talk to you. I want to tell you again how proud of you I am and how much you mean to me. How you saved me when I was a child, more than once. How I looked up to you and then you looked up to me and how we helped each other. How I never, ever, ever gave up faith in you that you would come out on top.

Frannie, if you can hear me....I love you. I love you with every piece of me. Every single piece. I wear you on my heart every day in hopes that you can feel me, too. Every day that passes doesn't make it easier to process, I feel like it makes me miss you more. I am not strong enough to handle this, what closure do I have?! It wasn't supposed to end this way. We were supposed to enjoy our 30's together - celebrate our successes and how far we've come with the challenges we faced. Now I feel like I am facing the biggest challenge I've ever had to endure - losing you. Losing someone who so willingly stepped in and stopped the hurt as a child and was there when I needed you as an adult. I will never forget all of the memories we made - singing at the top of our lungs in my apt to "Impossible" by Shontelle or you choreographing a dance to " No More Rhyme" and all of us performing it together. Remember we were going to be the "Shetones?"

I can't handle this. I can't handle you being gone...I don't know how to process it or how this is real. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare and just waiting to wake up. I drive now without peace because I look at every single utility pole and try to imagine what happened and how scared you must have been and it literally tears me to pieces. I want to sob uncontrollably and lay on the floor until I've cried enough to fill every ocean on this planet - and even then it wouldn't be enough tears to make this hurt go away. You can't prepare for the loss of a sibling. I can't begin to describe the pain because whatever I write can't even compare to what it is I feel inside. I'm lost. I make it through day by day and try to enjoy the things that are supposed to make you happy and it's so hard. It's hard to be outside enjoying the beautiful weather knowing that you will never have the chance to enjoy this again or with me. How fair is that?! I'm lost.

Maybe one day I will make my way through this fog I am in. It's hard, harder than I thought it could be. I love you forever. Big sis <3

Always your baby sis <3

Pagatha

The Window Seat

Another post...not about food or exercise...

Some say that the eyes are the window to the soul. As I sit here looking out of the window on the 737, I see a capacious world beneath me and makes me believe it. Everything is still and it feels like we're frozen in time. I can see the horizon and it seems as if each layer of the earth is visible from my view. The contrast in colors are breathtaking and it makes you wish you were floating within these layers; the layers within the stratosphere, the space between you and the gravity that keeps you grounded to the earths floor. 

The turbulent air shakes me back to simple thought. I take a glance through the small rectangular window and see such an incredible full moon. The view from the sky is unlike any other I've seen. Its massive size makes it appear only a short distance away. The crimson colors and reflection from the sun make the clouds surrounding it glow like the reminiscent coals of a blazing fire. It lights up the earth below and I just bask in the beauty of the moon.

I notice another plane passing below at an incredible speed. Why does it feel like we're just suspended in air when this plane is zooming by at top notch speeds? It disappears into the clouds and leaves a translucent white trail behind it. I am left pondering if we are really moving...

As the plane banks slightly to the right and the nauseated feeling reminds me that we are in fact, moving, the magnificent moon disappears behind the wall of the plane. It's playing hide and seek with me between the two windows I am fortunate to have on this flight. My eyes fleet down to the twinkling lights below and the view never ceases to excite me. Among the vast spread of electric filled space are large areas of land that at night, look like a black abyss. I stare into the darkness with hope of finding some glimmer of light. And I do. If I look hard enough, I can see small dots of orange lights beaming up as if they're saying, "We're here, too!" They twinkle with every surge of electricity that is flowing through them. They remind me of the stars that shine above them and it makes me wonder if it's really just a reflection. 

Two hours into the flight I close my eyes and reminisce about the happy and peaceful thoughts that this view brings to me. Such a calm washes over my entire body. It's as if I am laying on the beach, the moonlight is reflecting in the water and all I can hear is the sound of the waves crashing as they come into shore and I can feel the wind softly blowing through my hair. I take a deep breath in and silently sigh. I fall asleep for a few minutes. The air gets a bit more turbulent waking me from a sleep that I am so thankful to experience undisturbed for that few moments. My eyes remain shut for a minute and I slowly open them. I look back out through the window and the sky is brighter than ever. The earth has moved along it's gravitational course so the moon appears higher and now has a white fluorescent glow. There isn't a cloud in the night sky as far as I can see. I close my eyes again and drift off to sleep to be woken up once again to the announcement that we have begun our decent into Bradley. I bring my seat back to the upright position and stare longingly out of plane wishing I could take this back with me in the car. I generally prefer the aisle seat on a flight; however, this upgrade to first class gave me an opportunity to explore the mystery of the outside world from within. A break from the inner torment of feeling like I don't belong up here with these folks. Being able to experience such a sight let my mind focus on other things aside from what I am eating, how I am dressed, how much I need to exercise. It's tranquil.

As we descend, those small twinkling lights that were barely visible are clearly defined into city street lamps and the windows in the house that look like a dreamy picture from a Christmas book. We approach the runway and I can finally see how fast we are really going. All the different colored lights on the runway blur together creating an image of a kaleidoscope. We slow down and start taxiing back to the gate. It has rained and all that is left to remind us are the puddles and steam reflecting in that beautiful moonlight. 

Maybe I will take the window seat more often :) 

Love and Wellness to all!

Twinspiration

Patti xox

Food....you are always on my miiinddd

I think about my weight a lot. A LOT. If I could lose a pound for every time I thought about how fat I am, I would be walking among the Victoria Secret models I so desperately envision being me. Thinking about my weight so much, I obsess about food and calories and sugar and fat and salt. I want them all, but cannot have ANY of it. Zero. Zilch. And like my blog in April, it's so much easier to control when I am home. 

I have multiple habitual tendencies and for the past two weeks I have developed yet another very strict way of eating and working out. Today was difficult in sticking to this routine. It is one of those days where you don’t want to get out of bed from pure exhaustion. I am sure you all have been there…those times when you fall asleep an hour before your alarm goes off and you lay there awake, eyes closed, talking yourself into crawling out of bed. I open one eye at a time and fling one arm off of the bed followed by my leg. My foot touches the ground and I immediately retract the pep talk I gave myself. I look like a circus act trying to get up.

I slowly walk to the bathroom and brush my teeth; second thought of the day that comes to my mind aside from wanting to go back to bed is: what will I be eating today?? So early to be thinking about food, but my mind has it planned – very carefully…as I walk to the kitchen, I think of my next move. Every step and movement there has to be precise in order to ensure I don’t stray from my plan and set myself on a downward spiral of a horrible eating pattern. I have a solid routine when I am home.

I take out the scale and weigh myself – stand looking at the number in disbelief. I put my head in my hands and just sigh. I don't move for a good five minutes. NEVER happy with the number, I hide it away in the mini closet as if it’s hiding me.

I walk out of the bathroom and to the counter in the kitchen. I open the New England Coffee French Roast (It’s sooooo good) and place the K-Cup into the machine. I let the cup sit to cool while I put a pot of water on the stove to boil some water for my eggs. (gross). I don’t want to eat another egg, but they are so low in calories but high in protein and they keep me full for a while so I don’t get that nagging hunger. And making them hard boiled means I won't add any additional calories as I would if I were to make them over easy. I measure my precut vegetables and fruit that I am eating for the day and put them in their respective containers. Then I put my protein – usually a shake with some mint extract and my shaker cup in my lunch bag and run over the list:

• Eggs – check
• Garlic powder – check 
• Smoked Paprika – check
• Valentina Sauce
• Mustard – check
• Separate fruit containers – check
• Shaker Cup – check
• Protein powder – check
• Love handles (I call them; touch me there and you die handles)– check and check
• Coffee and more coffee – check, check, check

I go back to the Keurig machine and remove the coffee cup. I take the ice out of the freezer and fill my travel mug; still half asleep. I pour the coffee over the ice, still warm enough to melt it and I add more. I cannot put the cover on because there is now too much ice. I never learn. I drink the coffee until it about half gone because once I start drinking it, I cannot stop. It’s like my drug. I put the lid on and let it melt some more so I feel like I have more coffee – which I tell myself I need for my commute in the morning.

Every morning for the last two weeks, this has been my exact routine. It has paid off so far – total lbs lost = 5. In conjunction with working out 1-2 times a day.

When I get to work in the morning, I arrive early so I can peel my eggs and mash them up with the garlic, paprika, Valentina and mustard and I drink about 16 ounces of water. I sip my coffee until I can eat my fruit. Then I wait for 12:00 to arrive and have my shake. Two hours later I am eating some more fruit and drinking more water. I get up to use the restroom at least six times!! I feel like I have the bladder of a 5 year old dancing in the middle of the store screaming: mommy I have to pee! I leave the office and head home. 

As soon as I walk through the door, I change into my gym clothes and immediately put on my work out DVD. Sometimes it’s insanely difficult to get through and sometimes I am ready to pass out from how hard I am working, but I push through it. Determined to get skinny. When I finish with my workout, I make some dinner and then shower. My dinner has almost been the same every night aside from switching up the protein if I include any. In the beginning of the week I had prepared my vegetables by chopping them into about quarter inch pieces and put them in separate containers: carrots, asparagus, onions and bell pepper. I measure out ¼ cup of each, ½ tsp – 1 tsp of extra virgin olive oil, ¼ cup of water, turmeric and cayenne pepper. I sauté all of the vegetables for about 3 minutes so they are tender but still have a little bit of a crunch to them. If I make any protein, I will have about 1.5 ounces of ground turkey or ¼ lb of salmon. All of the vegetables fill me up enough to get me through the night. And of course I drink raspberry-lime seltzer water with my dinner. If it’s too late by the time I get home, I will just cook my veggies and eat them with some water. They are so delicious and I take it slow eating one piece at a time. Lately I have been obsessed with dipping each piece in a drip of Valentina hot sauce or Cholula! Both have zero calories and zest up your meal.

June is right around the corner…50 more lbs to go before I will feel any sense of security and can stop wearing these scarves. I hope I can keep this momentum! 1 week before I become Zumba certified and then I can kick up the work outs. I am super pumped!! Doing Zumba for 60 minutes can burn anywhere from 500-800 calories…I could do two a day! Eeeek!!

Stay tuned…

Love and Wellness to you,

Patti xox

Eating Healthy?!

The past six months has been such a whirlwind - I don't know whether I am staying or going and it's wrecking havoc on my body because I am letting it. First blog since all of the traveling picked up pace, and it feels great to be writing again. 

Traveling sure doesn't make it easy to eat healthy, but it doesn't make it impossible. The best thing you can do if you're in a hotel that doesn't have the necessary tools for you to go shopping and keep fresh food, is educating yourself. Educate yourself on the food that is available to you. If you are going out to eat, look up the menu online and prepare the questions to ask your waiter/waitress and choose what you are going to eat. You can look to see if the restaurant you are headed to has the type of menu you can order from; for example, if you need gluten free foods, or are a vegan. 

Eating healthy while traveling and constantly eating out doesn't have to be a battle. While it may seem extraordinarily difficult in controlling your desire to eat whatever you want; especially when the menu doesn't offer healthy choices, you can still make the better decision by knowing what and how to order. I was recently at a restaurant in TX with a few co-workers and this restaurant did not have a single dinner option that was under 1000 calories including the salads. So I had to make a decision on what to eat that wasn't drenched in fat, salt or fried. I looked through the menu and murmured to myself: "this is why you are so fat and continually gain weight." I sat at the table and looked over page after page...the smallest portion of steak or chicken they offered was 6oz. I have the most difficult time making decisions of what I want to eat in general, never mind looking at a restaurant menu with so many options. I start getting very impatient with myself because I cannot make a decision mostly because there isn't anything I see that I can order that isn't a heart attack on a plate. Everyone else is ready and the waiter is standing at the table. While he is taking the orders, I see the salmon and then just muster up the courage to order what I want and how I want it. He looks at me and I ask for a grilled piece of salmon, not cooked in butter and without salt with a side of grilled asparagus. It felt liberating. Strong word for ordering food? Maybe to others, but it's exactly how I felt. I ordered what I wanted, no sauce, no salt, no butter, just how I wanted it. It was delicious. 

I have been traveling for work for the last 6 months just about every week and it's been hard to get back on track with eating and working out. It's as if I get these small bursts of thoughts and excitement that I am going to do better that day and then hour by hour, it becomes increasingly more difficult for me to make the better decision with anything. By the time I get back to the hotel room, I am exhausted and I don't want to work out. We meet for breakfast at 6:15 a.m., working until at least 7 or 8 pm, then we go out for dinner and then I am dragging my feet at 9 or 10 night into my room. Then I open my lap top to catch up on some more emails that I was not able to get to during the day. By the time all is said and done, it's sometimes 1 o'clock in the morning and I do not feel like working out, nor getting up at 3 to work out before the day starts. This past week, I made the effort to leave the office by 630-7, and forcing myself to do an hour of cardio and some weight training before hopping back on the computer for work. Hoping that this week will be easier. 

Summer is right around the corner and I am in the same place I was last 10 years, obsessing over the fact I can't lose weight and that I promise myself that I will do better. This time it seems impossible. I just keep telling myself that with the support of my twin, and a few caring people, I can do this. I can make better choices that will promote my health and well being. Starting with eating while on the road since this is a very real part of my life right now. I've blogged in the past about being prepared for when I travel to make it easier, but taking the actions and caring enough about yourself makes all the difference. Right now I feel completely defeated. The scale seems to go up and up. But I am going to take my mini victory of decision making and continue to strive for better days. 

Today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better. 


Health and Wellness to all

Love Patti xox

meu tio precioso ... descanse em paz doce

This blog is dedicated to my sweet Uncle Eddie. I love you more than words will ever be able to express. 
It's hard to believe you are no longer physically on this earth; though your spirit and love will remain close to me. I didn't get the chance to tell you how much you have meant to me and I am not sure you even knew. So much regret I have in taking for granted that I thought you would always be around. You were such a constant in my childhood - knowing that whenever we got the chance to be around you, you made life worth while. You ALWAYS had something to laugh about and make us laugh. Who knew Streets of Fire would be a movie that Nikkie and I would torcher you with watching over and over again the nights we stayed with you? You bought Nikkie and I our first CD, ever! You bought me Celine Dion and Nikkie Savage Garden - and they are still our favorites... You were so enthusiastic and such a free spirit; so many people learned how to just love life from you. More than you will ever know. 
I will miss your intense love for life and riding. I will never, ever forget the long bike ride we took on your Harley, on rt67 from nana's house. All the way from North Brookfield through Ware and Warren...we have never felt so free. We listened to the oldies, stopped for coffee and then rode home. I am so sad. so so sad Uncle, that you were called home this soon. I can't describe the pain in my heart, but it physically hurts knowing you are gone. I will never forget your laugh. Your laugh was so contagious and whenever I imagine you, it's of you laughing and it puts a smile on my face.
I dedicate the below song to you. "Call the Man" from Celine Dion.I love you.  


Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He is needed here


meu tio precioso ... descanse em paz doce

-Twinspiration

Love and Wellness to all

Patti xox

Getting "Comfortable"

Here I am again...sitting in another hotel room craving the familiar place called my home. I close my eyes and as I type, I inhale deeply and let the scent of past tense fill my nose and infiltrate my entire being. I can feel myself physically let down...

It's difficult going away for vacation - although vacations are typically relaxing, unless you are some kind of thrill seeking adventurous human and not really into the turquoise water and palm trees thing (HA! You're not fooling me); you aren't near your familiar surroundings, but the greatest thing about vacation? You get to go back home at the end of it and at least spend another year or two planning the next one. So what do you do if you're traveling for business and you won't return home long enough to go even go grocery shopping before turning around and getting back on a plane? You plan. A very intelligent woman reminded me that there is always a way to make sure you're making yourself a priority and taking it seriously, you're health and well being. (Thank you from the bottom of my heart). 

As mentioned in my previous blog, my company is going through what I would call a merger. That may be a 1990's term, but it's best described that way as it's not technically an acquisition since it was a different company that purchased us and the company's platform that we are integrating into, is considered our "sister" company. I will be traveling back and forth from Hartford to Baltimore for the next three months just about every week and staying through some of the Holidays. In order to make sure that I am serving myself the best way possible within the means that I am given, planning is essential. What do I mean, I am sure you are asking. I am talking about what I plan on eating and drinking and what I can to do make it possible for me to "sleep" while I am away. Being able to "let down" both physically and mentally when you are living out of a hotel room is SO essential and having the resources to do so will make it a little more possible. 

So before leaving for Baltimore this morning, I wrote out a plan for myself on Sunday afternoon when I got home from Nikkie's house. Here is the literal list I made:

• Search for local grocery stores or stores that are familiar to me within a safe distance
• Go to WF and pick up some non-perishables that you can eat as snacks and substitute as needed
• Pack Teddy
• Bring Past Tense (THANK YOU, SHERRY)!
• Pack light this time, only what is needed
• Pack only flats so you don't get the urge to wear heels and then regret it
• Bring Zyflammend

There were a few more things on the list, but you can pretty much gauge what I am expressing here. Writing it down and having the information in front you helps to ensure that you're not forgetting anything. After I finished packing - and writing down what to pack truly helps, I sat down on my bed and typed in "Whole Foods near Linthicum, MD." And low and behold....there is one about 20 minutes away from my hotel!! A Trader Joe's that is even closer. It truly puts me at ease knowing that they aren't too far away. And as soon as I can work up the courage to travel the roads of MD alone, then I will go. The great thing about technology, there is a GPS on both of my phones, so it's really mustering up the confidence to go. Once I get sick of eating the granola bars and gluten free pre-packaged cereal, I will go :) And I will need to for the times when I am down here for the whole week. How can one eat out everyday, twice a day?! I just cannot trust the restaurants around me enough for that. 

As far as packing goes...I like to have options. I am such an indecisive dresser and need options. Options, options, options. But having options and making traveling less stressful truly do not go hand in hand. I learned this today. Unfortunately flying Southwest you aren't given the option - there is that word again - for seating. You are boarded by your class. I was fortunate enough to receive C-class. (that sentence is dripping with sarcasm). Which means that I was in the last boarding group. By the time it was my turn to board the plane, there wasn't any room for my carry-on. So they had to check it. Initially I was very unhappy about this because I don't bring a bag that I need to check, as I try to keep my travel as light as possible and not have to deal with picking up my baggage. So, I take my ticket that has my new baggage claim number on it and step into the plane....with LESS STRESS. Who knew? See for those who do not know, I am almost 5 feet, taking a carry on bag in addition to my stuffed-to-the-gills lap top bag makes it extremely difficult for someone of my height to comfortably stow my carry on in the overhead compartment without severely invading the personal bubble of the innocent bystander and almost rendering them unconscious when it slips from my hand. Oye! Not having that stress of finding a space for my bag to fit with the worry of pulling a rocky on another passenger and then finding a seat really lifted some unnecessary stress that I put on myself. 

I will plan meticulously for the next trip down here...possibly bringing a bag that is intended to be checked and making the effort to drive out to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's so I can nourish my body the way it needs. Right now I am going to take some Zyflammend, drink some water and snuggle in bed with Mr. Teddy. (he remains nameless, so I call him Teddy...it fits). 

-Twinspiration

Love and Wellness to All

Patti xox

Eleventh Hour...

...the phone rings... "FM, this is Patti." "Hey Patti, it's Karen. We need you to go to Baltimore soon." - That conversation (which was much longer than that, but I'll spare you the details), was Friday. It's the following Monday and here I am sitting in my hotel room in Linthicum, MD. My travel companion sitting on the bed with the cookie :) He can keep the 310 calorie cookie...

Talk about last minute travel - it doesn't give you much time to plan, what to pack, what to eat, where to go when I get there! It's a good thing I am secretly superwoman, otherwise I would feel completely defeated right about now. Multiple things couldn't have all happened at once to make me so thrilled to be away from home at this moment. For instance, the pharmacy not filling my prescription in time, so I am sitting in the chair in my hotel room with cramps so painful it makes it difficult to breathe - and did I mention I look wicked fat?! I am so bloated you would think I was pregnant. To those curious minds out there: NEGATIVE. Oh, also zero transportation unless I want to take a taxi, and I am all alone. Cool. I want coffee. Okay, okay...there are worse things in life to be upset about. I am happy that my company thinks highly enough of me to send me here. We were recently purchased by another company who's technology platform is much more simple than the one that we are currently using. (Boring, yes). So I am here to learn what they do, how they do it, why their process runs smoother and more efficient than the platform that we use. Go me.

My instructions were clear, take a taxi to the office and Mike will drive you to your hotel at the end of the day.  Awesome.  So the first thing I do when we land, aside from texting my twinnie, Pickle Juice; I call Mike. I've never met Mike, and I don't even know what he looks like. Looks aren't everything, but to me they can be extremely intimidating. I tell him I have landed and I will be on my way to the office shortly...change of plans. He offers to pick me up from the airport and then we can go to lunch to talk about what the next few days will be like and what is expected. No pressure there! I am standing on the sidewalk outside of the airport waiting for the grey 4-door sedan to pick me up. I am not sure what is worse, trusting your being in the backseat of a taxi cab or trusting your being with a man you've never met before. Trust me, the anticipation sucks either way. The Grey Lexus pulls up to where I am standing...two gentlemen are sitting in the front of the car. TWO? Who is this other guy?? The man in the passenger seat opens the door and introduces himself. And then Mike gets out of the drivers side and introduces himself to me. He knew what I looked like because he looked me up on Linkedin. Technology these days....it's a bit creepy to say the least. He takes my carry-on and places it in the trunk, glad I wasn't going in there, too. But unfortunately the thought crosses my mind. Who thinks like that!? I sit in the back seat and we are now lunch bound. Small talk ensues inside the car. He pulls into Chili's and the three of us head in for lunch. (P.S. Chili's is not very picky-eater friendly).  We talk business but all I can think about is how in the world did I get here?! On one hand I am feeling so incredibly insecure in so many ways, but on the other hand, these two men consider me to be the brains of my client and truly counting on me to bring new ideas to the table tomorrow on how to implement our current system to their system with such a demanding client. Ahhhhhhh. All I have are questions, not ideas. Mike drives me back to the hotel and leaves me with my mind writhing.

This business trip is so unlike the others I have been on, or so it seems to me. I just feel much more inadequate and inferior to the people around me. They are all older than me, and how am I coming here to teach them about what we do? How can they look at me and think I have enough experience to tell them what they need to know in order to make this implementation successful?? In their eyes, I am only 28. It's too much to think about. And it's making my cramps worse. hahaha! There isn't anything around me to help soothe my stressed and painful body.

I am sitting in front of the heater because I am so cold, and my nose, feet and hands are as cold as a reindeer's in the middle of winter in the north pole. My eye lids are so heavy but I know the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I have to get up and present the non-existent ideas in my head to my boss, my boss's boss, my boss's boss's boss - no exaggeration there, and the two men that picked me up from the airport this afternoon. No big deal.

Sweet dreams fellow bloggers and readers. Wish me luck! All of this happened so quickly...so last minute....so in the eleventh hour!

-Twinspiration

Health and Wellness to All

Patti xox